A list of things corporations gave me for my birthday, ranked in order of usefulness to me

1. Portillo’s: Free cake WHICH I FORGOT TO REDEEM BEFORE IT EXPIRED, I forgot that this is actually why I started my annual tradition of “sitting in a Portillo’s on Valentine’s Day by myself being sad but at least I’ve got cake,” so that I could use the free cake before it expires; anyway, someone out there owes me a piece of cake because I am DEVASTATED; even though I didn’t get to use this I’m still ranking it as my favorite birthday email

2. AMC Theatres: Free large popcorn and large drink

3. Andrew McMahon: 20% off

4. Alamo Drafthouse Cinema: Free dessert

5. Wendy’s: free small Frosty

6. Noodles & Co.: Free dessert

7. McDonalds: one free item from a brief list of possible free items

8. Red Robin: free burger

9. Starbucks: free something-or-other, I always forget it’s ONLY good on your birthday 🙃

10. Chicago’s Pizza: Free dessert

11. Regal Cinemas: Free small popcorn

12. Witch Vamp (cool quicky goth-lite clothes and accessories): 15% off and free “secret goodie”

13. Ikea: $10 off, free slice of cake with entree purchase, great except that it means I have to physically go to Ikea

14. Target: 5% off, this is like nothing in terms of the amount one spends at Target but hey, whatever

15. Wilder (bougie clothes/accessories store in Tennessee that I like their stuff but they seemingly never have anything sized bigger than Large): 20% off

16. Torchy’s Tacos: Free queso and chips, would be more relevant to me and thus ranked much, much higher if I lived near a Torchy’s but it’s the thought that counts

17. Too many to count, including my dentist: Happy birthday! Have a great day! We have gotten you no gift but want to send you email anyway!